Elle Varner

This blog entry is way overdue but it's ok beacuse the subject matter makes up for it

ELLE VARNER

OK GUYS

IF THERE WAS A  LI'L MISS ALICIA KEYS LOOK ALIKE CONTEST, SHE'S THE WINNER

NOT ONLY DOES SHE LOOK LIKE HER, SHE'S ANNOYING JUST LIKE HER SENIOR ROLE MODEL ALICIA KEYS!!

THEY BOTH FUCKING SCREECH IN THEIR SONGS

When I first saw the video for "Only Want To Give It To You" I said "what is this why she straining her voice like Christina Aguilera" and then I realised "oh it's just the way she sounds I hope she has some Halls or something for her throat to feel better"
I could barely stand that video and J. Cole made it worse but I mean I have to give him credit to try to cover up her screams. OH WAIT NOW THAT'S MY CUE TO GET ON AND DISCUSS REFILL

THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THIS SONG I WAS BAFFLED AS FUCK BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW IF I WAS STILL WATCHING VH1 SOUL OR CMT PURE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING FIDDLE GOING ON BUT WHATEVER

but then it gets worse.​

WAY worse.​

THE FIDDLE DOESN'T FADE AWAY AND THEN YOU HEAR "can I get a REEEEEE FiiiLLLLLLLLL" and I think "ok." and then another "REEEEFiiLlLLllLLL" at this time I wasn't sure if I should mute the tv or keep watching but then I hear the "can I get a REEeEeEeEe EeEeEeEEe EEeEEe EeEeeEee FIIIILLLLLLLL" and that's when I blurted out a  "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT"​ and immediately got on twitter (j/k i was already on it) and tweeted saying "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ELLE VARNER VIDEO"

First off just what the fuck is happening in the video. She's out to dinner with some guy she doesn't even know that she met out the window on a yellow school bus and then they steal a BMW from the valet parking but then return it (how is this possible because the BMW has keyless entry) and then she's back on the bus and he gives her his number but he holds onto the paper and it tears and she doesn't have his number.​

Also if the video portrays that she is a high school student then she should not be with some guy in his mid-to-late 20s going on a date in the city

how romantic!​

I SUFFERED FROM APRIL 2012 TO OCTOBER 2012 HEARING HER REeEEEeEEeEee SCREECHES MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY DAILY. 6 MONTHS. I SHOULD FILE A LAWSUIT FOR PAIN AND SUFFERING BECAUSE BELIEVE ME I FUCKING SUFFERED

EVERY TIME I SEE THE WORD "REFILL" I GET THAT FUCKING SCREECH BLARING IN MY MIND AND IT WON'T GO AWAY

I was at Target and I heard "reEeEeE" and I thought I was hearing things but it turns out there was a display 'sampling' her new Target exclusive album "PERFECTLY IMPERFECT" with Refill being played on loop.

NO

During the summer at the BET Awards the camera kept panning to Elle Varner sitting in her seat, smiling, taking it all in like she is the next Aretha Franklin

MORE LIKE THE NEXT ALICIA KEYS BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE HER AND YOU ARE BOTH FUCKING OVERDRAMATIC AS FUCK IN BOTH YOUR VIDEOS AND VOCALS I CAN'T EVEN FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS ANY LONGER

SOMEONE NEEDS TO PUT THIS BITCH ASLEEP BECAUSE THIS SONG FUCKING SUCKS

JUST FROM THIS BLOG ENTRY BEING WRITTEN RIGHT NOW IT'S STUCK IN MY HEAD AND I KNOW NOW THAT EVERY TIME I READ THIS POST I'M GOING TO GET IT STUCK IN MY HEAD.​

I'M DONE

Stevie Wonder = Illuminati?

Don't get me wrong I love Stevie Wonder but after watching his music videos this week I am starting to think he is a member of the illuminati.

He's blind.  He doesn't know what his videos look like. He is just filmed in the videos and someone else is creating everything and he is just placed in them like a Dalmatian puppy in a hand basket for a photo shoot in 1996.

can someone explain THIS to me???

Stevie Wonder is playing the keyboard inside a large triangle.  The triangle is a symbol of the illuminati and with Stevie Wonder resting inside the triangle it brings him to represent a source.  Stevie Wonder = blind, eyes = tools to view.  There are demons inside Stevie Wonder  brainwashing everyone in the audience to corrupt the world.  Stevie Wonder is Satan.

This appears to be some piece of meat or stone slab gyrating through the video with different images of nature appearing on it.  Here we have Stevie Wonder and the clouds in the sky, with the slab emitting an explosion off of it.  Stevie Wonder is looking directly at it and there is an explosion. Stevie Wonder = Satan.

Now that I have exchanged my theory with everyone only time will tell while we wait for the next clue.

Alicia Keys becomes Global Creative Director of BlackBerry

IF YOU DIDN'T SEE THIS BLOG POST COMING WELL HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS BECAUSE HERE IT COMES

ALICIA KEYS. WHERE DO I BEGIN

OH YES OK I SEE. BLACKBERRY. BLACKBERRY SMART PHONES. THE ONES WITH THE LTITLE TRACKBALL THAT COMES OUT AND YOU NEED TO EITHER: BUY A NEW PHONE FOR $200 OR BUY A REPLACEMENT TRACKBALL FOR $25

OR HOW ABOUT YOU JUST NOT GET ONE AT ALL BECAUSE THIS ISN'T 2008 THIS IS 2013 AND NOBODY USES BLACKBERRY DEVICES EXCEPT BABYBOOMERS, THE 52 YEAR OLD MOM THAT THINKS SHE'S HOT BY WEARING ED HARDY HATS IN HER LEXUS SUV THAT GAVE HER UPGRADE TO HER DAUGHTER WHEN SHE SPILLED HER STARBUCKS ON HER OLD BLACKBERRY, OR THE ASIAN COMMUTER ON THE TRAIN

Alright let me focus on Miss Keys here. ok

WHY

WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING WITH SMARTPHONES ASIDE FROM HAVING "GIRL ON FIRE" BLARED THROUGH THE MONO SPEAKER ON THE BLACKBERRY CURVE

LOL OF COURSE BLACKBERRY GIVES HER THIS TITLE BECAUSE A. IT'S BLACKBERRY NOBODY USES IT AND B. ALICIA KEYS JUST GIVE HER SOMETHING TO LOOK IMPORTANT WITH AND EVEN MORE OVERDRAMATIC!!!!

SOMEONE IS NEVER GOING TO GET OFF THE PHONE WITH THIS ONE

I JUST LOVE HOW THIS IS BLACKBERRY IT'S LIKE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE WITH MYSPACE LOL WHY COULDN'T SHE GET WITH NEXTEL OR REBIRTH HELIO LOL YES ALICIA KEYS YOU LOOK SO PROUD WITH THAT TITLE THAT'S LIKE HAVING THE TITLE OF THE LEAD VOLUNTEER AT A BAKE SALE ON A RESUME

DO YOU THINK SOMEONE AT BLACKBERRY'S CORPORATE OFFICE CAME ACROSS MY BLOG ENTRY FROM DECEMBER REGARDING ALICIA KEYS AND HER OVERDRAMATIC MISUSE OF THE TELEPHONE IN HER VIDEOS??

"Miss Keys!! Yes! Hi! This is Chad Phillips from BlackBerry.  We've noticed you are constantly on the phone in all of your music videos.  Come to our BlackBerry event in New York on January 30th, 2013.  We would love to have you as a part of our team!"

THIS IS PROBABLY SOME ENDORSEMENT DEAL FOR ALL OF HER VIDEOS TO FEATURE BLACKBERRY DEVICES AND CONTINUE THE USE OF TELEPHONES IN EVERY MUSIC VIDEO FROM HERE ON OUT FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS. YES SIGN THIS CONTRACT MISS KEYS, YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT WE NEED!!!!!

I HOPE EVERY NEW BLACKBERRY DEVICE COMES WITH A FREE PRE-INSTALLED COPY OF 'GIRL ON FIRE' THAT WON'T DELETE OFF YOUR PHONE, JUST LIKE SPRINT ZONE

I wonder which BlackBerry device Alicia Keys uses....could it be the....BlackBerry Torch? Since THIS GIRL IS ON FFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEE